There were suggestions to not write this particular blog for a couple of reasons; one: I am on my second marriage and two, apparently, I am in what society refers to as, “the honeymoon stage.”
Both are cogent arguments. So convincing, I nearly opted to defer this writing until the honeymoon stage’s enchantments subsided. However, it is three in the morning on a Sunday and my brain, as always could not stop processing information and developing its own ideas, even for marriage. Even if, according to societal constructs, norms, and ideas, I haven’t been married long enough to have a say in the matter. But I do.
How many times have you heard that marriage is hard work? And society tries to convince you that when a couple struggles, they should fight to stay together even if that destroys you as an individual. Perhaps, you have kids and believe is best for the kids to stay with someone you no longer feel connected to. Perhaps, you are with someone just for the simple fact that it makes sense financially. There is a plethora of reasons why people decide to stay in a failed marriage. Hurting themselves and hurting those you may think you are protecting. But at the end of the day, the only one dying internally is you.
I am not going to talk about my past marriage. I am someone that believes that every decision taken in the past are decisions that set you on the right path to be where you have to be. Mistakes aren’t more than the right decisions taken at the moment that they are taken. Every single step taken in the past can lead us to a successful future. We grow, we learn, and we evolve.
I have witnessed many marriages in which the individuals are miserable, yet they seem to somehow make it work for a couple of days then repeat. They fight most days of the week. They call each other names and cuss during arguments, if you ask me that is one of the lowest things someone can do. A good foundation of marriage should be based mutual respect. And one of the most basic shows of respect is to detain oneself from name calling and cussing. It is difficult to argue with someone when ideas and views about different topics do not match. But as grown, mature adults we should at least be able to have a civil conversation without becoming vulgar.
Arguing will always exist in any relationship. And even when two individuals are very similar like my wife and I, we have our different views in many political topics, we differ in some ideas on how to raise our future child and so on. However, during these arguments and debates, either of us has never had the audacity to cuss or resorted to name calling just because we disagree. There are arguments that people inflate more than they should. Some differences in ideas are not even worth the time to discuss because it doesn’t affect in the slightest anyone’s lives, but pride shows its ugliest face and incites you to fight even if you are wrong. There are some arguments that you may need to let go, and others in which you have to accept you are wrong and tell your spouse that they are right.
Unlike popular believe, love is not enough to make a marriage successful. Perhaps, this idea builds the pit in which either, every relationship falls, or every individual gets thrown in. We believe that because we love someone, we should ignore everything else, and make it work. “Marriage is hard work,” remember?
But a relationship should not be based solely on love. Compatibility, similar lifestyles, similar hobbies, enough similarities in political views, similar religious views, communication, sex drive, among many other things should be taken into consideration. All these things are what will make your marriage easy work. When you and your partner are in tune, it is easier to work on any issues you may have.
There are many social constructs that society attempts to impose on us, starting with our families. And unfortunately, so many people are affected.
You believe in the “honeymoon stage.” Because society told you it exists, and only for a certain period of time. But what if I told you the “honeymoon stage” may be as long as you would like it to be. It is important to remember that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with somebody. We should never stop making our partner fall in love with us. And trust me, that is EASY work. Waking up before your partner and making him/her breakfast. Going on a date every Friday, just the way it was before marriage. Leaving a romantic note before you depart for work in on a sticky note or write love notes on a small dry erase board you can hang by the main door, where both can see the love note and reply to it. Giving her or him a passionate kiss while caressing all her or his body. Telling your partner how proud you are of them and how much you appreciate what they do for you.
Communication alone isn’t key. Listening and understanding is necessary.
When you find the right partner, the one that connects with you with more than love, and when your own actions of caring are reciprocated, that’s when the relationship becomes EASY WORK.
Yes, perhaps I have not been married long enough. Perhaps, I am just an idealist with a hopeless heart and ludicrous ideas. And with time, those that suggested to postpone this blog will prove me wrong. But despite a high percentage of accuracy of the argument that I may be inexperienced on the topic, I believe that I have discovered the formula for a successful, almost utopian marriage, in which the honeymoon stage never ends.
Now, it is almost five thirty in the morning on a Sunday, and it is time to cook breakfast for my wife and future baby.
Remember, keep them in love with you, and communicate so they also do the work on keeping you in love with them.
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